We think we want the power of seduction, but we actually want the experience of love. Mostly.
But while the ego tries to mitigate our anxiety and control our encounters, what makes our lives worthwhile is the terror of genuine romance. Which is probably why you’re here.
Here’s a post from Brandon, one of our Mastery Alumni, who stands, right now, teetering, requiring his entire power of concentration to keep him straight, as he peers, over the edge, and into the precipice:
* * *
“The last couple of months of dating this girl has been the most tension-filled of my entire time as a member of this community.
I’ve experienced more energy-packed, acute moments of disarray prior to now, but never so many over an extended period of time. Usually, something will go sideways with a girl, and a shockwave with a magnitude of 9.0 on the Richter scale will reverberate through my body, followed by multiple aftershocks over the following days that become less and less disturbing, before my nervous system finally returns to homeostatic balance. Each scary experience in this Way of the Amorati journey has taken me to deeper and deeper depths of humility, while forging within me a stronger sense of identity, which I’m increasingly less attached to.
Until her. I forgot what it meant to feel this insecure. I’ve learned what it means to embrace tension, but the uncertainty inherent in a new relationship with a girl who blows my mind has brought me to a new frontier I was barely ready for. My response to this overwhelm has been vulnerability. Communicating my deep attraction to this girl and highlighting the fear it produces in me creates an experience of ‘off-center fullness’. Opening up about my inner experience and laying it all on the table without apology frees me up from wearing the mask that used to stifle my expression. And I think it’s really allowed her to be able to open up to receive and give to me. Playing it cool when I’m not cool is a recipe for not being cool. How counterintuitive it is that being open and honest about the things I thought I had to hide is the exact thing that makes me attractive.
I’ve felt mostly uneasy though. I’m still a novice in the art of being unattached to an outcome. The fear of losing her has been my ever-present companion.
Breathe, feel, let it be. Over and over.
When the tension reaches a certain level, the amount of attention required to regulate myself goes up. It’s as if I have to hold open a door that’s being pushed shut by high pressure, but I’ll suffocate if I don’t keep it open. The suffocation being tantamount to reactivity—acting out in reactive ways. Awareness is curative. She says the sweetest things to me that I have a hard time believing. I just learned about imposter syndrome and boy does that apply. Having experiences with women before her that I wasn’t so excited about has given me a good point of reference for what acting normal is when I feel like an impulsive junior high boy. I keep reminding myself that this is what it’s all about. If I’m being honest, it fucking sucks sometimes. But I don’t entertain thoughts like that. Staying focused has been nearly impossible. She’s on my mind all day. I love it and can barely stand it all at once. I’ve re-read all of the Mastery material too. What. A. Blessing. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve gone over those lessons but they’ve been my saving grace and greatest inspiration over the past few weeks.
The number one thing she says to me all the time is how interesting she thinks I am. How cool. Isn’t this why we’re all here? To be that interesting man women adore? Thank God for the Ars Amorata. Maybe she’ll break my heart, maybe I hers. Doesn’t matter. So far, so good. Definitely a beautiful mile marker regardless. She loves me though.”
* * *
I included Brandon’s update in this email because this is exactly what my work in the Ars Amorata is all about.
A word of commentary, though:
The secret to Mastery—in the sense of ‘rising’ in love—is to let down your defences enough so you can A) allow this sheer amount of feeling to generate in your body and your heart in the first place, allowing it to move through you and, by contagion, infuse into her; and B) be so emotionally attuned so you can feel each step of the ride, without going into fantasy-land about the girl, projecting impossible futures.
Doing these two things—which you’re practicing marvellously at the moment—means that not only is this love affair compelling in your world, but on the outside you become a rare breed in the process. You have become a man who is strong and present, yet available to be swept away—while not losing himself—by love. You are the man in the erotic novels. You’re the Javi Bardem in the mushy rom-coms. Yet it remains a walk on the precipice.
Here’s the most interesting piece I read in your share:
It’s as if I have to hold open a door that’s being pushed shut by high pressure, but I’ll suffocate if I don’t keep it open. The suffocation being tantamount to reactivity.
Metaphorically, energetically, you are holding open a door that’s being pushed shut by high pressure. It sounds like you are resisting some facet of this emotional wave. I get it: you don’t want to be suffocated by it all. You don’t want to let your emotions get the better of you, and cause you to lash out in reactivity. You need to keep something about yourself in tact.
High-stakes emotional literacy, in such a situation, would be to allow a little surrender to this feeling of pressure, to allow it actually to wash over you a little more, to accept it, embrace it, just as much and when you are ready to, and as you feel it wash over you, to remain still, to feel it, to not act out or react.
I wonder if these are the last vestiges of resistance which keep you away from even deeper feelings of love, and if you accept and feel them, they might open new depths of presence within you.
You speak of ‘unattachment to outcome’, a key Amorati phrase. But let’s take a look at this concept. I don’t think a well-lived life is about never getting attached to any woman. Sure, you might be unattached to outcomes with many women, but if you never got attached to anyone, that’d be cold and lonely and possibly psychopathic.
It is great, from time to time, to get unmercifully attached to conquering, sweeping away, and merging entirely with a particular woman: to stick her on a pedestal and worship (inwardly) at her feet. This is bare-knuckle infatuation with a beauty in its most human form, and a life-defining shot at erotic love! Attachment to this going well is the only sane, only human response.
The question becomes, can you accept that you’ve fallen way over-your-head-attached in this love affair? Can you smile on in wonder at your folly, remembering, that one day, you’ll be a shrivelled old man, left with nothing but his memories, nearly dead?
Life is for living. And you are living the experience I think every man here craves.
What I believe is next are two things: C) to acclimatise to this kind of mutual love you have for each other as the new normal for you, letting her expressions of her feelings for you—her acts of love—imprint upon your psyche that you’re deserving of such Grace; then D) (the difficult bit!) lead the relationship, not sacrificing any of the work you’ve done around the erotic, around boundaries, around conflicts, around standards, around keeping your independence in tact.
If you can handle all of the above, then as Kipling once said, “yours will be the earth, and everything that’s in it…”
* * *
The Seduction of Love
Mastery includes everything about handling seduction. But really, it’s about handling love.
… which is a far harder feat. And much more life-defining.
Do you want to keep your self-mastery throughout the onset of love, remove any walls from around your heart, and your woman from this depth of feeling?
If your answer is yes, then take a strong look at what I have in store for you with Mastery. My entire aim with this programme is to take you right over the precipice of love, steer you through the overwhelm…
… and help you to land that plane, and start that passionate relationship.
That is it. Small group: intense personal guidance.
I hope to see you there,
* * *