During the final weeks of secondary school, one of the girls gained a reputation as the ‘town bike’.

On five consecutive Friday nights she slept with a different boy—in the bathtub at a house-party, on the graveyard behind the church—each episode growing more scandalous than the last. We all grew excited about who (and where) would be next.

This all turned out to be a good move for her: she was a somewhat forgettable mouse girl in the school pecking order, and the guys she hooked up with were known for being wild, frisky, cool. That summer spree thrust her to the top of the in-group. In our social influence economy, as long as your humour was larger than the gossip mill, these ‘collaborations’ proved a win-win-win.

Sometime over the summer, that mousey town bike became genuinely pretty. Her body, always toned and trim from horse-riding, grew just a little more, and she all-out invested in her long brown hair. By late September, as we returned to college, we were touching each other plenty between classes. The power of her sexual past (I was a virgin), and the precise way she had grown fit and gorgeous, turned something over in me.

It was her birthday on October 8^th (why do I always remember these dates?), and I went into town, bought the most expensive stack of red roses you could order, and strutted proudly with the roses into college.

I was the first of our friend group she publicly rejected.

—

90% of the men who come to our work

  say they want more sexual energy.

—

If you had more sexual energy, you wouldn’t be seen as the nice guy by the women you want. You would qualify for a sort of club that gets away with all kinds of misbehaviour. Crucially, you’d avoid rejection.

More sexual energy would help you last longer, have you throw off embarrassment with better humour, and allow you to feel more alive day-to-day. Less grey.

So goes the logic.

But here’s what I’ve come to see after all these years doing the work: most of you do not want ‘more’ sexual energy.

Sure, some part of you wants it, as a way to compensate for a sort of numbness, or an inhibition of your expression. If you had more sexual energy, you think you would break through hesitation, lead, make all the right jokes…

I have powerful techniques for releasing and amplifying the sexual energy that runs through our bodies. I recently gave these techniques to a couple of men, and they said – after about four days – that it was deeply uncomfortable. It was like steam was coming out of their ears. The tension of it was distracting; their eyes now followed everything that passed by.

They started to feel so sexually potent that they came into the next roadblock: a sharp reckoning with the grief and frustration they felt that couldn’t manage the supply of sex in their lives. All this sexual energy, but no clear promise of sex. An explosion of rage and angst, with no clear outlet or direction.

How does a man or a woman resolve the problem of the supply of sex? Monogamy, polyamory, turning yourself into some Casanova or pick-up artist, paying for it, are about the extent of your choices. All of these paths have flaws.

That’s the first big problem of an inflated sex-drive. Then, there are the small moments.

You dance bachata and you get an erection. The new girl in your office has these breasts and they press against the fabric of her blouse and you go stiff in the way you stare at her. Now, the horror you’ll be seen looking; that you be labelled the office creep.

‘More sexual energy’ brings up every other feeling that comes enmeshed in your entire relationship to sex.

Thank God we therefore have a repression mechanism. An unconscious system of muscular clenches that restrict and numb our natural sexual energy. Without a repression mechanism ticking along in the background, like an ad-blocker you installed and then forgot about, we’d forever feel like high-school boys, torn between red-hot arousal and this angst and desperation. When we’ve all got adult work to do.

We therefore only embody as much sexual energy as our subconscious has decided is safe. We have, all of us, carefully negotiated within our own selves the exact level of sexual energy we’ve learned we can tolerate. If you want more sexual energy, it’s not about pumping more voltage through the system: that’s a recipe for blowing the circuit.

The art of this is in negotiating with the mechanism. To teach your own subconscious that you’re ready to face the consequences, the side-effects, of more sexual charge…

—

‘I only express my full sexual self…

  with women with whom I feel safe’

—

This is one of the most frequent things I’ve heard in recent years.

You ARE a vital, sexual, charming, kinky, innuendo-laced man, full of play… but only once a safe context has been established.

With women who haven’t signalled a certain safety, you’re wary, waiting, stiff-lipped. Probing your audience with some teasing, perhaps, but without real alignment.

This throws a man into a catch-22: too often, you feel attracted to someone, but the lack clarity in her invitation has you hesitate and hedge your expression. However you sense, and you’ve seen in others, that her acceptance of your sexual side will be faster if you’re the sexual one first.

Being sexual only when you know you’ll be safely received is a normal way to move through intimate relationships. But it leaves you with less options than you’d like, and a gnawing sense of… how do I say it… castration?

There are many reasons a man will check for total safety before bringing his erotic sides forward, to not shine his light before given permission. But this is what I ask: if I need a woman’s green light before I bring my expression and desire, which archetype is that woman embodying? In which part of my own psyche have I become stuck? Women complain about the patriarchy—but permission to be sexual is one way that men are still submitted, in our personal and psychological way, to the matriarchy!

Waiting for her clear permission for you to be sexual, you notice how different types—different age-groups, different flavours—of women remain unavailable to you.

—

The shameless get more action,

  but…

—

Most dating coaches here would urge you to go full Mr. Hyde. Let the monster out of the basement, speak the taboos, break the plates… But I’m not about flippantly unleashing the collective beast, sending a horde of shameless men into the world.

The more you flap it around—the energy of your desire, I mean—the more you take something sacred out of the encounter. I used to be attracted to their freedom, but I now find something lascivious about shameless men, like they can’t hold a line of discretion or dignity. It’s not a good look. Thinking back, I see how my era of one-dimensional sexual shamelessness contributed to a lot of action but to no real peer group of friends, lovers, or family tribe that stuck around.

That phase was important. But until I sunk into the vulnerability of my desire to give and receive love, the action I gained came at a loss of long-term trust.

I also found that I quite love my sexual shame.

This, I would never have predicted. But worked with correctly, in a culture of self-acceptance, my sexual shame – my fear and protectiveness about my real feelings – became less a roadblock to intimacy, and part of the featured, delicious experience of intimacy itself. What can be better than you, and her, coming together naked, physically and emotionally, and sharing in your shyness and embarrassment? What if our mutual embarrassment was included during sex, rather than overridden with best-guess technique and stud-performance that looked good in the mirror but, on the inside, was secretly needy?

There are still merits to ‘outer work’, though.

I used to give a practice called The List, and it’s still a good exercise.

The List goes like this:

Write down fifteen erotically charged things that are true about your desire for women, each of which would constitute a landmark moment of authenticity if you spoke it.

For instance:

• You’re beautiful, I like you
• I want to take you home with me tonight
• Some ass you’ve got there, girl—you know what to do with it?
• What I really want is that you tie me up, stuff your panties in my mouth, grab a pair of garden tongs and…

etc.

You write your List of erotically-charged statements and you work your way through it, until you find relative comfort in speaking everything. Letting all your repressed thoughts and desires come into the interpersonal space and be received; smashing every verbal taboo.

I still like it as an aspirational piece of homework. As long as you’re set up socially, and you’ve got a support system to mirror your work and keep you accountable, a good List should take around six months to complete.

The thing with making bold, shameless punts is that you risk being just a yapping mouth, daring to say big things, using women as blunt targets of your exposure therapy. It can be fun for a while. But it’s not necessarily connected to your deeper self, nor to your deepest satisfaction.

—

Providing Self-Safety

—

So I like to ask the question: is there a sort of self-safety I can provide when I hold a more sexually-charged presence?

A self-safety that can handle:

• with humour and relish, moments I feel my grief, my angst, my sexual frustration?
• a woman’s kickback, displeasure, or disdain: that I remember my fundamental sincerity when I speak desire to a receiver where safety isn’t guaranteed?
• embarrassing things happening within my body in public spaces, ready to celebrate the vulnerability of it?
• speaking bold truths—especially the emotional tone my words create—so they don’t just remain cocky punts, but edgy, connected statements of fact?

The repression mechanism of the body releases when you show it you’re ready to tolerate the gamut of feelings and consequences all wrapped up in your arousal.

It’s easier to bring sexual energy first when you realise that, however judgmental she might appear to be, you’re the one who maintains your psychological safety. That you can never be rejected when you’re wholly self-accepting.

Self-safety is, ironically, the resource we have to cultivate if we want to transmit a sense of erotic danger… while being the kind of man a good woman wants to keep around.

—

There was a time, around 2017,

  when I trained for the Sexual Olympics

—

I wanted to be ready, fully ready, for when I ran into some next-level goddess, the best sort of woman I could find. I was tired of near misses.

Practically, I spent 2-4 hours each day doing embodiment work over a couple of years. This soon resulted in full-body orgasms (both for me and for the women I dated), ten-hour love-making sessions, all the black-belt sexual ninja stuff you can read about.

What I learned was that sexual revelation and meaning DID NOT COME simply through lasting a long time, piston-fucking a harem one by one, swinging upside-down from the chandelier in every karma-sutric position, or even bedding the hottest-looking woman I could find. All that stuff is mostly pornified expectations and teenage delusion!

Genuine sexual revelation and meaning — sexual beauty — came through my body’s openness to transformation and surprise during intimacy. Said another way: life-changing sex meant that I, or her, or both of us, surrendered beyond our human expectations, or beyond the current edges of our human selves.

This might look like:

• Orgasm that, the next minute, turns to tears and redemption
• Penetration that momentarily becomes mechanical, then turns to shame and apology and forgiveness and healing
• Zero sense of anxiety because your acceptance is assured — it now becomes all about play
• Giggling and stiffness and shyness and evasion that lets go and allows the whore to come roaring through
• Releasing into some preverbal nonhuman animal realm: spasms, haptic actions, punching, claws in your back; past lives and archetypal revelations
• A one inch shift in position that opens a state of worship in your heart, and a complete love of all existence, for a moment, bewilders you and breaks you down

I imagine, as a reader on this list, that it’s not only the quantity of sex you want, but the quality of it.

Without the transformation and suprise element, intimacy only cuts so deep. You or her might walk away temporarily feeling mindblown by good sex, but multiple orgasms can be a self-serving thing—a technological success—that doesn’t create more actual connection, long-term mystery, a sense of a moment shared, or any air of poetry.

Bottom-line: a body that hums like a sexual lamborghini can get you to deep places, but you will want to have the psychological safety to hold and love both you and her, if either of you get a vulnerability hangover from this. In sex this deep, you or her can feel very big one moment, then very small the next. God-like. Then cradled up, crying. That’s part of the wonder. You won’t get to these places by being ‘shameless’. Providing safety for yourself, for her, will get you there.

I hope this whole worldview is making sense to you. Because it’s what I’ve found — the women of the world will be surprised when I say this! — that the men of today’s world truly want.

—

A rigorous ‘sexual energy’ month

  followed by a year to build your erotic artistry

—

Life-transforming sex is more about feeling than technique.

And this month is when we take this from concept to embodied traits. Know-how in your muscle fibres.

Throughout April, inside the Guild, we’re working directly with the whole array of feelings that come linked with our arousal. Fear, shame, relish, kink, yearning… We will begin ‘negotiating’ with our repression mechanisms, to flood more libido, more life-force through our bodies, safely.

At the April Intensive, I’ll walk you through an weekend process to instill all of this at a deeper level. Each man in the Guild will turn over the next layer of his erotic self, bringing more sexual freedom not just to the bedroom, but to the first date and the first approach.

This is mindful, honest, and sometimes uncomfortable work. It’s also the most fun and revitalising work for the men of this world to do.

Preparation exercises are starting now. The April Intensive runs on the 25^th and 26^th. The whole year compounds from there.

If you’re ready to find your sexual animals, and let them out to play, join us:

https://www.arsamorata.com/guild

But then again,

You’re welcome to keep repressing all that erotic aliveness…

Waiting for a safe, ‘motherly type’ to come along. ✌️

~ Jordan

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