The first time I sat to write out my fantasy I felt jumpy, excited, caffeinated; quite wrecked with anticipation. I soon had an erection, and the sexual energy was actually uncomfortable—I couldn’t keep much awareness inside my body. In fact, I ran into the kitchen to make and eat a bacon sandwich. It was all I could do to keep from discharge. I wondered how on earth I’d get to the heart of the process.
Men don’t think they have enough sexual energy, but boy, everyone I ever gave this writing practice needed to do it somewhere in public, because journalling it in their room was too dangerous. Their libido would naturally breach their conscious control, and they couldn’t stay with the power of the fantasy without succumbing to pleasure, or seeking out a video of their fantasy’s main theme.
Struggling to find my focus, at points in writing my fantasy I’d start having other fantasies—my psyche rifling through every distraction tactic under the sun. But I strapped in. I found myself thick and full, my skin sort of sparkling, with an erotic shiver or tingle all about me as I wrote. Every minute of the writing became an exercise in restraint. I’d move and breathe, circulate any stuckness in my energy, then draft out the following scene.
I knew all about my fantasy, of course, having replayed it I don’t know how many thousand times. Mentally, I rewrote the novel of it every year. But it’s a different thing to externalise one’s cherished fantasy somehow, to see the trail of it on the page. It makes what was a secret now irrefutable; the vibration of it comes alive.
About seven or eight years ago, when I first started working with men on healing sexual shame, we’d also start with fantasies to build self-awareness. We’d write out the fantasy, share it in small, safe containers, then pick apart the feelings, the environment, the characteristics of the women present, etc., looking for psychological clues.
In fantasy archeology, there four layers to the work:
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Layer 1: The Surface Story – The obvious erotic content (the woman, the scenario, the escalating plot),
Layer 2: The Power Dynamic – Who has control, how it’s used, how transformation occurs (leading to a moment of peak erotic charge),
Layer 3: The Psychological Wound – The specific trauma, rejection, or need being addressed (most sexual fantasies plug the gap of a psychological need that is currently unmet, or for a long time went unmet in our lives),
Layer 4: The Spiritual Medicine – The surprising divine qualities your soul seeks to embody or receive through the fantasy.
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However, in those days, the ‘spiritual medicine’ remained a concept: not the strong abiding feeling we’re experiencing today.
The old method was that, having had your fantasy heard by other men, you’d feel more at peace with it, happier to identify it. You’d have burned through layers of fear and shame. The next step, coming out of the workshop, was that you could then tell the women in your life about your turn-ons, and create ways to live out your hottest desires.
This is the way most coaching works: you get insight about something in your mind, then you pluck up the courage to take action on it.
But there was always a step missing, which we’re adding to the process now: to feel all perspectives of your fantasy—all those powerful subconscious symbols—as pure life-force energy in your body.
After all, you might not want to ‘take action’ on your fantasy. Some things are best left in the mind, released or integrated on your own. And what’s sexier, anyway? To speak the confidential contents of your fantasy to every woman you get close to… or to embody a fully-felt direct knowing of just how good your erotic inner world is; vibrating as a smouldering invitation of desire, without having to explain that mystery? Moving from insight to action, without feeling delicious confidence first in your body first? That’s risk, taken without connection.
Consider this:
When you have an erotic fantasy, you are usually you. You undergo a series of twisting events, full of anticipation, reversals and suspense, that leads to you experiencing the thing. At the centre of any sexual fantasy is the climax, the moment of peak libidinal charge. Long narrative fantasies often contain a half-dozen different peaks. But every sexual fantasy revolves around the get-off, and this is what the psyche aches for—at the centre of the get-off is an image, accompanied by a sense of feeling complete.
Now in fantasy-space, the person experiencing this climax is you.
Encapsulated in your separate, narcissistic experience of sex.
What does the woman you’re fucking see, experience, attend to, and feel?
What do the other fifteen-hundred in your Arabian harem see, experience, attend to, and feel?
What does her expanding chest see, experience, attend to, and feel? Or the droplet of milk on the nipple when you suckle?
What does your babysitter experience and feel as she slides down upon you in initiation? Or Margaret Qualley, plain-staring you in the eyes as she tells you she’ll make you impregnate her, then blackmail you into bankruptcy for the privilege?
Say you make love to her on the tropical beach at night—how does the moon feel as it beams its soft light upon you, or the grains of sand beneath you as they get splattered by your sweat and your juices? What’s this writhing scene like from the view of the baby that wants to be born?
Most of us never think about this! We stay fixated on getting our personal closure. But when you take yourself out of your own stuck view—even in fantasy—and embody various perspectives, something magical happens:
You gain empathy for every perspective that ever made your fantasy so strong and so rich. You gain insight from the other characters present as they look back on you. And you uncover, and start transmuting the secret: that everything that feels missing in your sexuality is already felt and available inside the alternative perspectives there.
We just never slow down to access them. Or think for a second that we could.
Let me draw this out:
You might be a good person in the world, but for many years you have harboured a revenge-dominance fantasy, which actually makes you worried. By day, you value and respect the women around you. But at night you close your eyes, you reach inside your boxers, and you take her into harsh, uncaring domain. You think for hours about shackling her, whipping her, making her cry out in pain—sweet little Suzie, the barista!
Now if you really explore this fantasy, and get to the feelings inside, you might find that implicit in the urge to dominate a woman is a pristine quality of attention, a meticulous sense of direction, and structure. Moving away from the pain and foregrounding these aspects of it, and you’re left with the quality of attention that makes dominance possible: which is a form of masculine love. When you revenge-fuck those girls that laughed and rejected you at school, what you’re seeking at the core is that, at the peak of it she turns her head back to you (as you’re ploughing her from behind), and says I’m sorry. She comes to understand your dignity and your power.
Imagine what she’ll feel in her heart, her belly, her womb, when she surrenders and apologizes to you. The entire sexual moment turns around: it’s the completion you’ve waited decades to hear. Her heart melts and her body surrenders, she affirms and validates your power, the irresistible force that you are. She turns to you in devotion, and it tips you over the edge. Now remember, if she’s a figure created inside your fantasy, she’s a figure created by you. In a fantasy moment she is a desired aspect of you. She is but a fragment of your imagination, your psyche. It is your heart and belly (and womb!) melting! It’s you, inside the fantasy, saying sorry; finally—after all these years—submitting to, recognising, and deeply loving your sexual power. After all those years you didn’t, fantasy is the one place in which you do.
When you close your eyes and see Suzie the barista, it is never the real Suzie. You typically brush her up a little bit, add an extra cup-size and all. Suzie, in the hour of your fantasy, is you.
This is the sort of spiritual gold people trek to the Amazon and take ayahuasca for. This is the ‘radical perspective insight’ that unleashes hidden feeling, invokes ‘completion’, and heals. All within a fantasy scenario you thought was dark and macabre.
This is a level of vulnerable, paradigm-shifting inner work unlike anything I’ve done before.
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A few related things about the ‘psychological shadow’ and its power, that Anthony and I recently explored:
1) The ‘South America’ Principle
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Many of us fantasise about going to Colombia, Mexico, Brazil—we dream of exotic, uninhibited women; a jungle of primal aliveness. I went to live there! But the allure of South America, I sense, is not quite the sex but the sweetness, the cadence, the gentileza in her voice, which we feel as the tone of an available heart.
But if you consider that all sexual fantasies operate from a split (we project onto the objects of our fantasies qualities we don’t feel available within ourselves), you can start to see something else: the loving sensuality you imagine in that Brazilian woman is a quality already existent in yourself. We simply imagine she’s free to express it, while we’re not.
Yes—it’s fun to travel and find this out for yourself! But as you embody the latent power in your fantasies, you discover that you don’t need to travel half the world to find a lyrical heart: it’s already in you, just hidden and suppressed. At the root of it, if you felt free enough to be warm and sensual in your relationships first, you would be able to create your own Brazilian moments even in the Canadian winter.
[I have many South American friends, of course, tired and frustrated by their local flavour, who seek sexual liberation and the cool emotional detachment they perceive in Sweden or Norway or Germany. Every continent has its psychological projections and splits.]
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2) The Impossible Fantasy Solution
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So what about fantasies that can never happen? The harem of a thousand women? The revenge scenario? The ever-enlargening bosom? The baby-sitter from the ‘eighties; the submission/blackmail kink?
Here’s the breakthrough: these fantasies aren’t asking to be lived out—they’re asking to be decoded and felt. Completion of the fantasy happens entirely within your psyche: the feelings and emotions that keep the fantasy recurring transmute and heal.
After sitting down to write and process my first fantasy fully, the whole thing vanished. For twenty years I repeated that story in one form or another. It hi-jacked my attention, threatening breaches at every turn. Whatever drove that desire in me has been fulfilled. Dissolved back into the void.
At the root of it, the man who fantasises about about a thousand women isn’t seeking more sexual partners. He’s seeking to feel worthy of infinite feminine appreciation. The fantasy only reaches a thousand because his need to feel such worthiness is so strong.
Through embodied work, you can access these feelings directly: the impossibility of self-abandonment, the feminine side of your own heart, and infinite appreciation for being you. You get to feel these. And as these feelings deepen inside your consciousness, joy, playfulness, and a sort of peaceful power typically expand. When a man bring the symbols and feelings scattered all over his fantasy life into his body, and transmutes them, the compulsive fantasy dissolves.
Infinite feminine appreciation exists as a quality inside your own heart… and it will never desert or ghost you. This relieves a huge burden from any woman you ever get close to.
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3. The Sacred-Profane Integration
I hope today’s message has given nuance to the idea that your darkest sexual fantasies contain your greatest spiritual gifts.
One of the most vital aspects of all our work is to help men experience a ‘heart-sex integration’, and a heart-sex integration is this: that you feel tender, passionate love to the woman you’re having sex with; and you’re capable of having full, uninhibited sex with the woman you love.
This is rare.
When we do fantasy-work, when you finally feel all the love that’s locked away in your sexual fantasy (usually inside a character in the scene that isn’t you), then you get to feel that love bloom within you as this powerful, carnal sexual self continues to thrive. At the heart of our practice, you feel—all the way through your body—a total sense of your libido, with a wide-open heart.
Many men have never felt their loving heart and their horniness at the same time. Most women have never been with a man who was capable of doing so. In our western cultures, most of us are taught (implicitly by our parents and religion; explicitly by the loudest kids at school) to cut our heart and sex apart: that gentle empathy and ‘banging’ do not exist in the same domain.
Yet when love and sex flow fully together, we have the experience of spontaneously sacred sex—sex that reaffirms life, without all the rituals, candles and facepaints of foreign spirituality.
This is why sexual shame is so devastating: because if you’re worried that your fantasy is dark and abnormal, you will never find the love at the bottom of it. Shame cuts you off from your own spiritual medicine. And it cuts your partners off from it, as well.
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4. Reclaim Your Limited Energy and Time
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This is why I believe this work is not a luxury, but a necessity:
If you’re spending an hour or more each day in repetitive sexual fantasies, consider how much real-life creative force—or availability for real intimacy—that you’re bleeding. One client told me: ‘If I added up all the life force I’ve squandered in sexual thoughts… well, that’s something I don’t want to calculate.’
This is what we mean when we say sexual energy is life force. When your mind and psyche is liberated from compulsive fantasy-loops, that energy and dedication becomes fuel for enacting a deeper passion—it becomes fuel for influence in the world, for cultural transformation.
As we liberate more sexual presence, that trapped energy becomes available for your highest creative work. What I’m inviting you into here is not a world of sexual techniques, but a fundamental liberation of your potential—resources for love and for life salvaged from within a locked-off, taboo realm.
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The Continuing Exploration
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Starting August 2nd, I will guide a small group through this ‘psychosexual’ terrain. This work will have therapeutic and dating coaching benefits, but it is, first and foremost, consciousness exploration. Eight days to understand the architecture of our erotic imaginations, and to transmute that raw force into something sublime.
If you’ve felt held back in your interactions with women because of a sense of sexual shame, this workshop contains exactly the process that will help you through that.
If you sense this work is the next step for you, then reserve your place today. Spaces are limited.
I will guide you through this embodied, perspective-shifting practice in a beautiful container, with a tight-knit group of very committed men.
Go here to read the details, and enroll.
If you can’t make the dates, but strongly want to do this work in the near future, send me an email.
Thank you for reading.
~ Jordan
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From a recent graduate of the Sexual Fantasy work:
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“For more than 15 years two particular sexual fantasies were dominating my sexual life with women. During all those years my guilt and self-shame increased more and more because I did not know how to integrate them into my sexual life and how to express them in a healthy way. But especially when I entered my 30s I felt this sexual rigidity dramatically in my relationships with my partners. Because I lost two long-term relationships because I was not able to confront those fantasies properly.
“My initial intention with this sexual fantasy workshop with Jordan was to leave behind some of this shame about my two domineering fantasies but what I came out of it was to finally integrate them, so that they lost their sexual charge on me. After the workshop and doing the work in this safe, trusted group container, I really feel this emotional but also sexual liberation.
“I really feel that those two fantasies do not have that grip on me anymore. And I finally have for the first time my sexual stewardship. This new agency really gives me a lot of hope and sexual confidence. And I’m excited and cannot wait to enter my next sexually fulfilling long-term relationship without any shame and guilt.”
~ Florian D.
Entrepreneur & Community Leader (Lisbon, Portugal)
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