We had a great question at the end of our member’s drop-in coaching this week, a question critical for anyone who ever hopes for a thriving relationship:
How can I deepen the love, intimacy and trust I’m building with my woman… while continuing to share my light with other women, practicing ‘seduction’, and expanding my mojo?
That is the million dollar question.
For nearly every one us, when we deepen our love with one woman, we stop flirting with the world. But you know what happens next. Not before long our mojo dies out, and we have no seductive energy left. Not for our partner, nor for the world. On the other hand, you get close to someone you value but you continue to spread your energy like the wind… and it becomes hard to build the trust needed for your woman to want to go deeper with you. She thinks you’re a player, closes off, self-protects. Wonders about your motivations. Calls it all off.
What to do?
Ideally, you both grow in love while expanding as a lover to the world. You do both, at the same time.
As we learned in week #2 of Essentials, the perspectives we take determine what becomes problematic (or opportunity-rich) in our lives. If you see relationship/trust and expansiveness/flirting as two opposite, mutually exclusive sides of the human coin, then you will become split (and frustrated by this dynamic). If you can feel these two different directionalities as parts of one system, a unified view-of-relationship, let’s say, then you can start to do something about it.
Let’s take this more slowly…
The quality of your outcomes lay in your intentions. Why are you getting into your relationship? Are you looking to get (to avoid loneliness or have sex-on-tap) or are you looking to give (to build a secure home and take pride in your woman blooming)? This is essential to clear up: you need to know if there’s love in the room, or if your coupling is all just a head-trip. On the seduction front, why do you want to continue to flirt with the world? Are you looking for hook-ups on the side? For ongoing validation that you’re good enough; attractive enough? Or are you truly looking to give (it’s just damned nice to celebrate a bit of that polarity as you walk through the world, and see the women shine…)? If you’re flirting with the world to get sly kicks and balm some inner sense of deficiency, chances are your woman won’t like it. If you’re doing it because you know your presence is magic dust, and it’s good fun to marvel at the feminine aspect of the Universe… well, who could reproach you?
The intention behind our actions is everything. Ideally, you will flirt with the world because the energy you create through doing so is of service to everyone. It’s in service to the woman you flirt with, to you (and your much-needed mojo), and, most of all, to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Keep this hierarchy front-and-centre, and you keep everyone’s mental health tidy.
So the first way to tackle the ‘million dollar’ topic of this email is to have it click — mind, body and spirit — that ‘deepening your relationship’ vs ‘expanding your mojo’ is a false dichotomy. The second fundamental aspect to honing this dynamic is to get clear on her current level of tolerance to your outside-world seductiveness. Your relationship lives or dies by what your attachment can safely tolerate. And I’ll illustrate this by getting personal:
When Adelya and I got together, she was recovering from a challenging relationship that almost destroyed her trust in men. She told me before we even kissed that she was unable to start a relationship unless she knew the man was all-in from the start: that the whole ‘try-before-you-by, date-a-bunch-of-partners’ thing was off-the-table for her. She needed a certain safety and monogamy. She had to protect herself with those terms. Fair enough! But I was coming as the Head Coach of the Amorati. I had multiple ‘close female friends’ (whatever that meant), and throughout the length of our unfolding romance Adelya had watched me flirt with every pretty thing in town. Her trust in me was super-mixed. Energetically, she believed in me. I mean, true love doesn’t lie. But practically, my ‘love for women’ spilt all over the place. It became interesting indeed.
If I did things to expand my mojo (i.e., flirt with all and sundry), I’d trigger her insecurity and the relationship would not be a happy place. For the sake of trust and safety, I needed to rein it in. For the sake of love and depth, I chose to rein it in. Sure, I could have remained all ‘alpha’ and kept on broadcasting my sex. But I would have put my love in an extremely disempowering position, frazzling her nervous system and her trust — if she would have stayed with me at all.
All that for what exactly, kicks?
Now there’s a big fat elephant-shaped caveat in all this, as I’m sure you’re well aware. While I was flirting with everything around, arousing her insecurities in being that dog in the yoga school, I aroused her hot-buttons too. Turns out women like the men that other women all like, too. They like the danger of it. It’s a jungle out there! How do we ever live with ourselves?
So yes, hmmmm…
I reined it in. For the sake of a safe relationship, I cut off my outer-world flirting, chose the path of safe attachment, and directed my erotic energies at my girl. This built (over time) the requisite trust, and diminished (as with every other couple in the annals of history) our spark. But in a beautiful circle of healing, the trust and love we built in our intimacy allowed my woman to explore her fears and jealousies, and allowed her to come to an opening at her own pace. I, all the while, was roasted between my desire to go out and fuck the world, and my (deeper) longing for home. Once my woman had come to a place where she could accept our male and female natures (and the deep insecurity our primality alone brings), she thanked my patience (bowed, deeply), looked at our flagging polarity, and beseeched me to go out and seduce the world once more. She looked up and realised that the one missing piece of our relationship was having a man that would go out and do that.
So I went out, and learnt it all again.
Ars Amorata. Ab initio.
The thing is, If we don’t give our errant crushes, our sideways glances, and our spontaneous rushes of lust the required oxygen, as lovers we dry into shells. The system of our relationships need us to fill up on the eros of life and bring it back home to stoke the fire. Over the years I have learned to sharpen my boundaries; to know when I’m lost in another woman, or present-mindedly delighting in her without giving my power away. I’ve faced my shadows of seducing-for-validation-kicks, and learned exactly how that’s different from seducing, let’s say, as a spontaneous facet of my nature. This has all been one gordian knot to unravel. The maturation, dare I say, of a lover.
Not all women will need you to cut your flirting down in order to feel safe. I give you just an example, a personal story. Some women won’t feel safe no matter what you do (and it behooves you to avoid such an unwinnable affair!). So you need to gauge a woman’s true tolerance to how you are with other women, so you can move forward in-step. It is a practice of ethics to choose your partner wisely!
The flow of our relationships is like the passing of the seasons. There are moments of summer, and times to turn in. You amplify or soften. You watch. You adjust. You go out and fight your battles — years in the trenches: lost, debilitated, ageing! You come home and awaken the lover. You ride the tensions of duty, of sacrifice. But try never to lose yourself for a moment. All is in flux.
Many people wonder if the Ars Amorata has a place in their lives when they decide to go deep with one woman. They think that expansive, outward-facing energy is just for dating, for bars. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Ars Amorata (and particularly the Mastery exploration I host) is about tackling the critical questions we’ve explored above. If you can’t expand your mojo while your relationship ebbs by, everyone loses. If you can’t build trust as you roam the pastures and chase the herd, that’s also a very limiting, very painful place to be stuck.
A man grows best in the gritty nuance of relationship.
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