Are you more afraid of failure with women, or more afraid of success?
If you’ve got a few years behind you, you’ve likely burned through the ridicule and humiliation of a rejection enough times that you can cope with all that. It doesn’t stop stinging but you can brush it aside. Many men say they’re more afraid of success than they are of failure, and I think they’re very right.
Last week, one of our Mastery participants began speaking himself into the listening of the group. The more he spoke, the more the layers gave way to the core. ‘I know I can have a deep impact on a woman. In fact, I’m afraid to have a deep impact on a woman.’
Humans are sensitive. We’re also, each one of us, a force. Your truth, simply spoken—without need for charming embellishment—can impact a woman in extraordinary ways. One time, I declared a woman should leave her partner and run away with me: I put the decision in her court. Next day, she got tonsillitis, and couldn’t speak for sixteen days. Words on your lips, backed up with honest feeling, provoke oxytocin, adrenaline, love. We ache so badly to merge with a desirable other, that our attachment mechanisms can kick in after just a little eye-contact. So if some of the deepest biological feelings can be evoked in a woman, and simultaneously evoked in you… after, say, a good first date, or a chance encounter on the street… how do you handle the consequences?
‘I’m afraid to have a deep impact on a woman. I feel resistance to having responsibility for her.’
Now we’re talking. I think many men will be able to relate.
Our relationship fears are personal terrain, and what follows are personal questions. What kind of responsibility do you imagine you have towards this woman? How did the men in your early life take responsibility of their women (or fail to)? How did the women of your early life feel the responsibility of men, rue the lack of it, or request it from you? Where does this idea of ‘taking responsibility for a woman’ come from? because certainly not all men feel this. And exactly what does ‘responsibility’ entail?
If your fear of taking responsibility over a woman is truly deep, the most likely outcome is that you get a woman who doesn’t take much responsibility of herself, and demands it from you. Law of attraction: you create your negative expectation. You end up in a co-dependent caring role, and the resentment—which you can no doubt feel just reading about it—will become colossal.
Now you could, as you explore the many meanings of ‘self-responsibility’ (and as you start to sharpen your own), filter the world of women for those with self-responsibility vs. those who abdicate themselves entirely upon the presence of a man. Put ‘she takes self-responsibility’ first on your needs list, and choose women who embody that. How can you spot a woman who takes self-responsibility? Boundaries, honest communication. She probably gives herself to a cause or career to which she’s been highly aligned. She pays her bills, maintains her separate home. Stays out of victimisation comments, gossip, blame. These are all masculine traits, actually, and you might notice that many women who embody these might not spark your libido. Even many mature and ‘conscious’ friends are aroused by ‘hot and crazy’. But selecting for self-responsible traits will keep you out of co-dependence with the immature feminine, for sure.
In a psychological world, it is not up to you to take responsibility for a woman. That is her work: you can only be exemplary, and wait to meet her on adult ground. Now to really get radical, consider that you never ‘cause’ her emotions. If you hurt her, then it’s her own expectations that get hurt. She creates her own triggers, but makes you the cause. You could live in a world of radical self-responsibility, and expect her to brush all emotion off. You might see that this can grow callous.
But this is more than a psychological world. My belief is that, after I parse apart what’s my responsibility from what’s hers, and we relate to each other without blame or drama, there is a responsibility that comes back in the end. Sure, there are parts of you that can feel a codependent family-of-origin bunch of icky responsibilities for others—habits of over-caring, and the like; but there’s a depth in you that feels, even wants, a sense of responsibility for and over her. What is this? One of today’s favourite terms, lol. The deep masculine.
So what’s this ‘spiritual responsibility’ all about? Well, the more she surrenders to you—and as you step together into the world of erotic polarity—she will naturally relinquish her capacity to yield self-control over to you. This is where she opens, lets down her boundaries, lets you in, can merge. You want to carry her over the threshold, and lay her on the bed? You want her every muscle and sinew to go soft under your touch? Then, in moments of polarity such as these, you need to take all responsibility; to always keep your awareness, and know that you’re directing the scene. Imagine your lover walking herself over the threshold, laying herself down on the bed, assuming the position before you ever guide her… you can bet her muscles will be hard—her orgasm somewhat shallow—if you actually make it hard inside her!
Now here’s a question the young folk on the ‘divine feminine, divine masculine’ circuit often get muddled up: do you want only polarity in sex? Or do you want polarity in life?
How much of your relationship ought to be defined by two self-responsible individuals? And how much of the day-to-day do you take responsibility for? What scope of responsibility can you currently, happily take: burdens and ‘holding’ that make you grow, but not grow resentful? Does your life get better, or worse, if you take on any more? Can you keep polarity-in-sex apart from the rest of the relationship? What responsibility do you both need to be taking, generally, for the desire for sex to even occur?
Yes, I’m taking your original question about responsibility, and teasing many deeper questions out of that. What here resonates? What’s useful?
It’s up to you to take responsibility of your learning here. Maturity means that you can’t outsource your relationship reflection to me… and expect some easy hard-and-fast rules!
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Can we make any summaries?
Well, I don’t take full responsibility over my woman, but I do take responsibility for the success of the relationship—at least the care and the initiative that I put in. I take responsibility over the sexual moment—but, then again, where does a sexual moment start? A woman likes me to take responsibility for her safety; but not to the point of overbearing.
The more we take responsibility in the various realms of our lives, the more women will be drawn. But it’s not a relationship if you’re forever picking up slack. There’s often a fine line between devotion and codependency, and we can easily mix them up amidst the hormones of love. Maybe—especially if you’re older and you just love her radiant juice—that’s an arrangement you’re happy to pick up.
No relationship functions perfectly, and no-one is immune to lower-self moments where childish patterns show up. But then again, we expect our fellow Amorati to raise the bar.
Intimate life is so full of questions.
But perhaps maturity is having the conversation. I mean, if you’re able to explore these topics with her, you can stay in the relation. If you’re afraid to speak with her about the topics of this email, how do you ever expect a paradigm shift in the way you sustain meaningful relationships?
Mutually-created awareness is where all relationship responsibility stems from.
In the next entry, we’ll go into responsibility, leadership, and building structures for long-term rels.
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