We’ll look at both mature and roughshod ways of dealing with body-freeze today.
You know, if you ever came face to face with an attractive woman and felt a part of you just… freeze.
(You’d have to be a martian not to relate.)
* * * Q * * *
‘So I was at the grocery store today, saw someone, and I wanted to approach them.
After listening so much to the Ars Amorata I was like ‘okay, I need to talk to her’.
But in this instance, I got afraid and my mind clouded with fear. I knew I wanted to meet her, but my body refused to move. I wanted to ask your advice, what should I do in that situation?’
And then I remembered: blurting. I should have approached her and done blurting.
Alas, next time.’
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Yes, you could have, as you say, ‘done blurting’.
Next time you might find you have more personal freedom, that you anticipate the moment better, that you got up on the right side of bed, that you happen into a little flow.
If I was a betting man, though, I’d say there’s more than a fifty percent chance (let’s be honest: more than ninety) that you’ll experience the same body-freeze again.
The problem with blurting is that, if your body has seized up in a form of stiffness or resistance, that you won’t get anywhere close to her in the first place in order to ‘blurt’ your truth. Hell, there might not even be enough breath in your belly to even vocalise a sentence.
I’ll share a little story (which I’m rather embarrassed about):
In my first year of coaching for Ars Amorata, an assistant coach and I found ourselves in a Texas mall with a man who had the greatest amount of body-freeze we’d ever experienced. Not only would he seize up when an attractive woman came by, but his body was built like a tank (often, men who are resistant to being forced into things by others (read: mother) often develop body-types like these—and spend the rest of their lives struggling for flexibility and change).
Anyway, my assistant and I were enjoying ourselves, hoping to spread our ease and delight, and we happened into this moment where we pushed our client—like you would see in a rugby scrum; two grown men straining against the third—across the squeaking floor of the food court. Turns out we couldn’t budge the guy. Nary an inch. Not even brute force could help our client approach a woman he wanted, and ‘do the blurting’.
Sadly for all of us, I had no idea about trauma back in those days. And let’s call it as it is: this depth of body-freeze was a trauma response. Whatever emotions and fears were triggered by the presence of this pretty woman, his body seized up in a number of protective mechanisms, to save him from possible pain. He was a difficult client to work with, and was not at all ready for our ‘approaching workshop’.
Most of us experience trauma responses in our dating and relationship lives. Perhaps your trauma and your protective mechanisms keep you perpetually single. Perhaps your trauma has you stay in relationships far too long, or seek out fast sex, addiction-like, as a way to avoid distress. Even with your own wife, you might discover the mechanisms of body-freeze tighten their grip anytime you wish to act out of character.
In my experience, most of the men drawn to our message don’t have deluded fantasies of ‘being the world’s greatest seducer’. Sure, you might fantasise such things for a few months, or when the pain becomes too intense. I did at times.
But most of our men conclude that we simply freeze up (or lose touch with our bodies; or get overly needy or clingy) a little too much, and if only we didn’t have this automatic unconscious protective mechanism, if only we were free to be our normal selves, we’d do a good job at showing up authentically, and get ourselves over the line when it counted.
If I break down the more mature style of coaching I use today, if you and I were to spend some 1:1 time together on the subject of your body-freeze, or your number #1 challenge with women, we’d likely spend:
- 70% of our time working through trauma patterns and stuck inner emotions, until you open up into a state of presence,
- 20% where I offer you a worldview for what other approaches are possible, or helping you make meaning of the past, and
- 10% strategising for polarity, or refining which words say.
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The Secret of Flow and Success
One of my earliest questions as an Ars Amorata coach was this: how is it that some of our clients take our philosophy and instruction and get instant success with it… when others really struggle to apply any of it, let alone effortlessly connect?
After the passing of all these years, my realisation has become simple: 30-40% of men can take some worldview and strategy coaching, apply it to their current energy structure, and make all the gains they need. Their trauma is small enough, or late-stage enough, that they have the capacity to do this. For the other 60-70% or so, there are such tangled webs of early trauma, trepidation, and protective mechanisms—all held together by a vast, all-pervading unawareness—that makes dealing with women and attraction one great painful fog.
To clarify this whole situation, and to let go of those inner blockages, requires an enormous hunger and commitment. You must get off your computer and into your body, and most likely you were never shown how.
Luckily, in some cases, the anguish of missing out on love and intimacy is so great, that it motivates a student to go all the way. They undergo the true hero’s journey.
I do have some good news, though. What makes a truly great lover of women?
What I’d say now, after 11 years in this work, is this:
There is one fundamental capacity that stands as the foundation of all lover-related skills:
To the extent that you can feel your body, and feel into her, you gain access to your truth, moment to moment, as it emerges. As your self-contact deepens over the months and the years, you gain intuition, empathy, you speak in a way that is compelling, and you follow your inner guidance. How does a man seduce, set boundaries, or be vulnerable in an admirable way? Only your felt-sense and your emotions—not some external coach—can tell you that.
Now, in case you’re feeling jealous of the 30-40% who can take our teachings and run… well, they all run into problems soon enough down the line. However many women they attract into their lives, their psychological limitations will eventually trip them up. In this, we are all human.
But yes… where were we?
Ah, in the grocery store, and you just froze up!
Sure, do the blurting. I can even tell you what to say! But, if you’re like the deeper men here—the truly hungry ones—you will tell me that you’re here to dissolve your stuckness; that you’re here to do the real work, to connect with women from your core, and not some churned out foreigner’s lines.
Want to hear more on this topic?
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And it is important here to say…
… as we behold the glorious Anita Ekberg in the Trevi Fountain…
… that there is a rare form of body-freeze that befalls us which doesn’t stem from trauma…
… that stem from aesthetic arrest.
You witness something so beautiful that you cannot digest the impact that beauty has on you in real-time. You’re left dumbfounded, speechless.
This is not trauma: but a spiritual light shone on you so greatly that you had no idea what to do, that you never learned how to be comfortable in such radiance, that you struggle to simply relax and behold.
I’ve found we need to keep a little movement and awareness in our bodies if we wish to stay mobile, and interact, when graced by such a moment of rapture.
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The Path to Healing and Integration
If you wish to work through the deeper patterns that keep you stuck, and if you wish to bring your emotional and energetic intelligence online, there are a couple of things you can do:
One is to hire a somatic coach or therapist; someone who has a deep methodology for working through emotional blocks and closures in your body, real-time.
The second—and I say this even if you have the luxury of taking coaching—is to pick up a daily embodiment practice. When you practice some form of self-contact daily, you will speed up the time to process what you’re working through.
As you learn to move your body in certain ways, and as you learn to maintain awareness inside your body, you will do many things.
Most importantly, you will slowly melt the glacier of your body-freeze, so that in one opportune coaching session—or in one grace-given moment of intimacy—the frozen substance of your trauma fully melts: its new-found liquidity now circulating throughout your whole body, freeing the mind of its fears and its prisons.
I have a number of favourite techniques for trauma work. Allow me to guide you through each of them in our comprehensive embodiment and archetype programme, LOTM.
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