First of all, thanks for all the responses to yesterday’s email. Seems like it hit a nerve. How do I extract myself from the vortex of self-hatred and self-shaming when it kicks in?, was a recurring question.
Well, awareness is curative. As soon as we see this pattern of toxic self-talk play out, we can recognise it for the pattern that it is, and take a few moments to breathe. The destructiveness of self-hatred and self-shaming happens when we’re caught up in it: as soon as we’re aware that it’s happening, and can become its witness, we’re halfway out of the cycle.
At this point you could tell the vicious voices to back off, and wage perspective war against them. You could choose to go the affirmation path, and drown your inner critic with a more empowering point of view. In my current way of thinking about the human psyche, both approaches are over-compensations, and the very fact that they force back and reject the shaming inner voices is what gives these voices continuing power.
My invitation, then, is to actually turn to the voices of our self-shaming and self-hatred, and practice curiosity and empathy. “Wow, thank you voices! I hear you. What are you trying to protect me from? What service are you trying to do for me?!”
If we practice a very radical form of self-acceptance, we offer acceptance to our self-shaming and self-hating parts too. I believe these voices inside us are offering us a form of protection. If only I can hate Jordan strongly enough, then he’ll get the picture and take some action that might prevent him being hated by others later. If only I can shame Jordan strongly enough, then he’ll really do some self-improvement and never end up being shamed by anyone else again!
This is inner intelligence at play. It’s not inner wisdom though, for the self-hating and self-shaming parts in us don’t really realise that the words (and energy) that they’re using against us are more likely to paralyse us than anything else. The psyche has its form and function — but I never said it was anything rational!
It is good to work through our psyches in a methodical and benevolent way, though. Because as you get closer to your woman, you will meet plenty of her inner voices, and you will most likely want to offer her love and compassion… not a bunch of self-help advice.
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Thank you to Andreas, Zan, et. alia for the great Q&A on Perspectives last night. The recording is now online on the platform.
In response to Taimur’s question I offer two different resources:
1. A string of stories from the period I was going out alone, and discovering my “darkness” in the land of women for the first time.
2. My patented “Cover all Bases” theory, where I describe how to build a social circle full of great women who resonate with your values, while never having to waste time, or venture from your path and your passions. This was a voicemail recording originally sent to a private 1:1 client, but described in a way that would be universal to all. I was even thinking of turning this into a product. I think it’s that fundamental a perspective for any man’s dating life.
Finally, we started a great discussion on shame, fear, anger and boundaries… the deeper mechanics of the saboteur. If you’re hungry to take a deeper dive into this message (and into yourself), then send in an application for our upcoming round of Mastery.
This whole programme was hand-designed for Amorati who want to understand — and embody — their mysterious dark force.
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Jerry’s Final Thought:
You may feel high and mighty when you’re judging another, but remember that in doing so, you’re only judging yourself. And why would you be so cruel?
Take care of yourself, and each other!